I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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