i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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