Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
