I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
