dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
