Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
