He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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