I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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