mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
