I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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