When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
