Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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