...so i touched it.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
