Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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