I think I died a long time ago.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
