is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
