Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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