Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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