Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
