Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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