My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
