god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
