i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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