I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
