My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Houston, we have a squirter
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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