i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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