Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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