I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
