did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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