I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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