I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
