I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
