his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
