doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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