She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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