Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
