This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
