if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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