I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
