Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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