I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
