you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize