On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
