direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
