They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
