My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
