My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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