This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
