I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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