duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
