the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
