When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
