I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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