Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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