i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
