shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
