Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize