I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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